UGLY BLOKE

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
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A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

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Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right" he said, "the steaks are too high."
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.